The platonic friend

Male/Female relationships are always a hard thing to define. Things always get sticky when you try to put opposing sexes together (that's what she said). If you’re a woman looking for a platonic relationship with a heterosexual male, good luck. I believe there is no such thing. Let me drop some knowledge on you. Males have two types of girl-friends: girls they want to copulate with and girls they don’t want to copulate with. If you’re a woman right now thinking I got it all wrong and you have a strictly platonic male friend, congratulations!, you belong in the former category. For girls who fall into the latter category, a male probably wouldn’t give you the time of day. Not that it’s anything personal but time is money and quite frankly, us guys are looking to get the most out of our investment. Girls view relationships as this spiritual entity that lives, breathes and is fed on feelings and companionship. Women have places in their heart to love men they do not wish to be ‘involved’ with. Conversely, a man’s heart does not have the capacity to care for women they are not involved with, some would say barely enough for the woman they are involved with. There is no man that is content with being a platonic friend. Just men that are frustrated and resentful that they aren’t being taken more seriously.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t identify with being in a relationship with a male but has a or a few good male ‘friend/s’, here are some signs that tell you that you are in a relationship.

- If you and your ‘friend’ meet up one-on-one without any explicit terms of engagement: you are in a relationship. – A ‘friend’ is someone you do stuff with. You go see a movie, shopping, eat some dinner, the point is that there is an event that focuses the engagement. If you take the event out of the equation, all you got is what married couples do which is nothing. Married couples are in relationships.

- If you and your ‘friend’ meet up one-on-one with explicit terms of engagement: you are in a relationship. – Do you know why people always ask “So who else is going?” whenever you ask anybody to go out? It’s because you truly are their friend and they would like to spend time with you as well as all their other friends. If you ask somebody to go out and it isn’t followed-up with that question, then it means you actually warrant to be allotted one-on-one time. This brings me back to my time is money statement. Males don’t give away time willy-nilly.

- If you are in possession of any mementos from your ‘friend’: you are in a relationship – I know I said time is money but do you know what else is money? Money. If a guy is spending money on you, you had better know he’s buying his share of your stocks. A memento is basically the most direct way a guy can express his intentions. A memento requires not only time and money but what all men find in dearth, effort and consideration. Look around, you see all that crap you got? Those are stocks for your crotch.

I’m sure there are plenty more situations I could address but I’m sure this already narrows it down enough. The simple matter of the fact is that only naïve women believe that all the men in their lives are asexual. They may be either homosexual men or bisexual men but never ever consider them asexual. There really isn’t much justification to do any favors for any woman unless there is something expected in return. You all know how the old adage goes: Do onto others as you would like done onto you. It-is-that-simple.

Today's track:
Samantha James - Rain

Brainfart - What Women Truly Are

It doesn’t matter what kind of woman you are the rest of the year, conservative, liberal, feminist or activist, what’s certain is the only kind that wake up Halloween morning; tramps. Just goes to show you that as soon as it becomes socially acceptable for a woman to look like a sexual deviant without any repercussions, she would, and with jubilant enthusiasm at that. Halloween is the only night women confidently head out leaving their dignity (and the majority of their clothing) at the door. Halloween brings out every woman’s inner exhibitionist and is proof positive that they always understate and under-represent their true freak. Why is it fun for women to become something that they regularly gossip and condemn others for being behind their backs? Hypocrites.

Remember, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

Today's Track:
Lily Allen - Who'd Of Known

Yes means Yes and No means NOW

There is a common misconception about women and that is that they are complicated. I’d like to point out that this is untrue, women are not complicated, they are just confusing as hell. Unlike men who are typically apathetic and indifferent, women are constantly sending out signals and trying to interpret them whether or not they exist. Women are like those old ‘magic eye’ pictures. The only way you can make any sense of them is if you stand back far enough and stare straight through the initial mess of information. Somewhere in that hodgepodge of seemingly randomly strung together words and gestures there is a point. Not everyone can see it and it might take some a whole afternoon but it’s there somewhere.

Anyways, my point is that with all this signal pollution, there are some that you (more importantly, I) need to get straight. These are the mating signals. You may be well aware of the basic displays of interest: leaning forward, mirroring actions, hair tossing, gentle touching etc. But these are severe oversimplifications of a very complex and involved process (which needn’t be). Being bombarded with all these signals, a guy is constantly calibrating his likability gauge. The real revelation is that even the most disinterested girl may be sending out this distress: ‘rape me now’ and waiting for you to cash in. Yes, I said it and girls, you know it. Through my experience, I am thoroughly convinced that all women just want to be raped. Okay, to be less blunt and crude, ravaged. Sure women complain about being objectified and degraded by men but they are all for it if it’s the right man. For the right man, she'll be anything you want her to be and that man just might be you. She might be shying away, brushing off your hands and swiftly avoiding your advances but what she’s really waiting for you to do is to wrangle her down like a wild horse and ride her like your jockeying for the Kentucky Derby - one hand clutching her mane, one hand whipping her insane. If that scene took place in front of a fireplace on a bearskin rug, I’m sure I’d be describing every woman’s fantasy and that it's in every sleazy romantic novel ever written.

The real dilemma has nothing to do with a man’s capability. Every red-blooded male would carry that out. The issue is with the logistics. Here’s why it won’t work: From a female perspective - The pro: getting raped is awesome. The con: actually getting raped. From the male perspective – The pro: consensual rape is awesome. The con: actually committing rape. If you ask me, the cons clearly outweigh the pros. If any of you girls actually got to live out this fantasy with a guy ballsy enough to act on it, maybe you should reevaluate what it actually means. The guy is either hypersensitive to your needs or just a rapist.

And that my friends, is why nice guys come in last.

Today's track:
Kleerup ft. Lykke Li - Until We Bleed

Let The Rats Roam Free!

Recently, news outlets in Toronto have been circulating the latest developments of health infractions dealing with vermin infestations in Chinatown. While this news only serves to cement the truth in our collective speculation that we had all along, I’m going to take this opportunity to play devil’s advocate. To be clear, I’ll be in no way advocating that Chinese restaurants serve food à la Ratatouille, rather I’ll be trying to quell the fears of the public for their future Asian culinary endeavors. In the midst of all the recent activity involving tainted meat and milk, food safety is indeed the hot topic. Certainly, any bacteria that causes death has no place anywhere near consumables. However, I will provide you with this bit of insight. In this new culture full of antiseptics and antibiotics, are we all becoming ‘bubble boys’? I think there’s no harm in getting a stomach flu or food poisoning every once in a while. Rat feces, maggots or pig toenails, I’m sure we’ve all had our fair share in our lifetime regardless of how sanitary you think you’ve been. None of us live in a sterile world. Realistically, we never will. We are currently in an arms race with nature. We vaccinate and sterilize while bugs mutate to become immune. We use all this technology to do things that miraculously our body does on its own. If we expose ourselves we have the ability to become immune yet we choose to live in a bubble. The new generation lives in this bubble and it makes its inhabitants fragile. So I guess my point is maybe having a bit of rat for dinner could be a good thing. Bon appetite!

Today's track:
Tony! Toni! Tone! - Lay Your Head On My Pillow

going old school again. =p

Quarter-Life Crisis

I think I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. I'm starting to adopt hobbies and interests that are neither here nor there but somehow I've convinced myself that I'm being productive. What constitutes a productive activity anyways? By measure of monetary gain? Educational value? Sure, I could do something universally regarded as intelligible like reading a book but where is the value in that? Hypothetically, if it takes me 8 hours to read a Harry Potter novel, is that any more productive than watching a half-hour episode of The Hills on MTV (for the record, I would do neither)? Personally, I would argue that reading Harry Potter is the bigger waste of time and aside from gaining exposure to pop-culture to which The Hills also provides, albeit decidedly more irrelevant, at least I save 7.5 hours. In any case, I think it really depends on the content and not on the medium. Maybe I can be productive sitting in front of the TV for hours if it's non-fiction or documentary. Of course I'm not referring to what is known as 'reality' TV but something along the lines of Discovery programming. Maybe I can be more productive reading the facebook status updates over the last month rather than the lastest installment of melodramatic pandering by Mitch Albom. This is how I spend my time not being productive, trying to justify the time I spent as being productive. There's only so many waking hours in a day and I'm starting to feel like my days are shrinking more and more. I find myself wondering how I can make the most of my 'free' time and invest in activities that have some kind of positive outcome other than just entertainment value.

Today's track:
Shanice - I Love Your Smile

Haha, old school.

Brainfart - Unicorn Media Bias

What's so special about the Unicorn anyways? I think it's funny how the unicorn represents the epitome of beauty in the realms of mythical creatures. Unicorns are on TV and merchandise but what is a Unicorn really? A freaking white horse with a spike coming out of its head. I think it's sad that with all the possibilities and existing mash-ups of animals to choose from, the one we'd want most is a freaking horse with a horn. What about Pegasus? the Centaur? the Griffon? Y'know, the more interesting ones. C'mon, you put wings on anything and it would instantly be better than a Unicorn.

Today's track:
Xplicit ft. Pleasure P - I Want You

audio pr0n

The Uphill Battle

I’m constantly in battle with my laziness. It’s annoying how it gets in the way of everything. I make short term goals, long term goals but somehow they are always thwarted by my nagging need to do nothing. There’s really nothing special about nothing. Anybody who’s anybody can do nothing, but nothing is just so good to do. I could do nothing in the morning and in the afternoon. I could do nothing in the evening, underneath the moon. I’m trying to learn how to be productive. It’s funny that no matter how stressful or unstressful my day at work is, the moment I get home I just want to unwind. I literally turn off. I don’t really play videogames because that’s too much effort reacting to stuff and mashing buttons. I don’t want to talk to anybody because I don’t want to think about shit to talk about. I just feel like plopping myself in front of the TV (internet TV on demand) and vegging out. Isn’t that just so freaking sad? It’s okay, you can say it. I’ve thought it to myself sometimes. Three or four hours into my TV marathon I’ll look at the clock and think Jesus, I could’ve been doing something more productive. And therein lies my problem. I’m perfectly aware of my laziness but I’m almost content with it. ALMOST.

Anyways, I’m gonna get started on a few projects. I’m too impatient of a person to work on “projects”. I tend to want things here and now. If waiting and effort are required, I have the ability to convince myself that I don’t need them. I suppose that could be a good thing or a bad thing. Hopefully sometime soon I’ll muster up the energy to produce something instead of just wasting away resources.

Bonus blog – Door etiquette

I’m not a saint or anything but I consider myself a gentleman. There are a few things however that I want to run through with the blogging public. So here’s the deal. When I approach a door, if there is a female directly behind me, I will generally (I say generally because I don’t always feel like being nice) open the door and let her through first. If there is a male behind me, I will generally hold the door but walk through first. These things I feel pretty comfortable with but there are a few grey areas that need to be addressed.

Scenario 1: The Tardy Gait Wait
I made the distinction of ‘directly’ behind me above because of this scenario. Sometimes when I approach a door, there’s somebody walking behind me but doesn’t walk fast enough to catch up or slow down out of my door holding radius. I put my door holding radius to about 4-5 steps from the door. When people are in this no man’s land it gets sorta awkward. It seems kinda jerky to not hold the door but I’m not about to stand there like a doorman for a stranger unless I’m getting tipped. People need to do one or the other. Speed up to catch the door or slow down so it doesn’t swing closed in your face.

Scenario 2: The Surprise Crowd
When approaching the door with a crowd of people behind me, I open the door, hold it for the next person and pass through confident that the favor will make its way to the end of the line. Sometimes though, there is the surprise crowd that comes out of no where. I open the door for someone to pass through then end up holding the door for a mass of people. In this situation what I usually do is wait for the next capable guy or guy with a girlfriend/wife or something to relieve myself of door holding duty. I figure there’s no harm in giving up my responsibility to someone else who should have it.

Scenario 3: The Vestibule Leapfrog
This is straightforward. If someone holds the door at a vestibule, you walk through and return the favor. But it really irks me on those few occasions when people just don’t get it.


Today’s track:
Janelle Monae – Metropolis

The Chinese Restaurant Conundrum

If there's one thing that isn't lacking in Markham it's Chinese restaurants. In such a competitive marketplace, it's not surprising that countless of these places open and shut their doors within months. But what really baffles me is why? What the hell are these people thinking? All over town we have these dingy little shops serving mediocre food for admittedly thrifty prices but so is every other guy around. I honestly don't know what these owners are thinking. Why would you walk into a failed restaurant, put your name outside the door, serve the same old shit and expect anything less than failure? How does that saying go again? I think it was something like...CRAZY is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I mean, if you're going to do something, you MUST do it different. Something, ANYTHING. Serve hot pink tea, make Chinese happy meals that come with plastic toys you get from the dentist...whatever, something that makes you different from the next guy. If there isn't anything specifically special about what you provide, you're not going to produce a loyal consumer base. Thus, the people will come and then they will go.

I gave this a bit of thought and the only rational explanation I could come up with is that the majority of these places are just open for the purposes of money laundering. That would explain the apathy for sure. Otherwise there's way too many Chinese people with poor business sense out there.

Today's track:
Nomak - Sanctuary ft. Nas